so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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