I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
