What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
