Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize