I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
