I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
