you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
