Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
