I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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