your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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