I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
