not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
