I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
