hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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