sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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