I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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