He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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