I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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