wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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