I puked a lego.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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