wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
