Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
