wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
