either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
sarcasm needs its own font
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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