u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize