I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
