guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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