I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
