I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
