I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jerry, you need to find god
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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