I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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