At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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