Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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