And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
