All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
