He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
