Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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