is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It was confusing and full of hummus
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
