i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
