i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
