Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
