This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
