I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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