So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
