Is it because I queefed?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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