someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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