Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
