Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize