Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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