I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize