God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
