I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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