We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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