I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My ATM looks so different sober.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Less talking, more tequila
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
