i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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