Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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