Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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