he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
