the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
