Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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