If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
