home. puking in laundry basket.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
