I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
