Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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