Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think my moral compass just broke
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