saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
